Taking Children Seriously
As I round out my career as a subject of formal education, I've been doing a lot of reflecting back with regards to my childhood and educational experience. I have a lot of conflicting feelings about the nature of education, and on a bad day I can be just plain John Taylor Gatto.
So where do I look for advice on such matters? Why theoretical physicists of course. I spent the last few hours reading on David Deutsch's co-brainchild Taking Children Seriously. While the whole thing sounds a bit 'sissy libertarian' on the surface, I must admit, I'm rather intrigued by many of the concepts. It reminds me a bit of the Love and Logic approach currently favored by friend and soon-to-be elementary educator, Kim Wood.
I'm a big fan of introducing personal responsibility and self-accountability at an early age. The earlier you start learning your own lessons and creating your own moral compass, the better. Likewise, I prefer authentic and transparent leadership and all that other warm and fuzzy stuff.
(Please nobody notice that I'm drawing similarities between leading a successful company, and developing a relationship with my future child...)
On the other hand, when the time comes to not ask questions and to not screw around, there has to be an understanding. Joe Pesci does not fuck around. Sometimes life isn't fair, sometimes things are out of your control, and in real life, some times the main character dies... of cholera. I support warm and fuzzy, but only to the extent that it does not interfere with an accurate understanding of human reality; of entropy, resiliency and being tough. It's a fine line, and I think it requires a bit of Buddhist wisdom, a bit of doing mysterious things that just plain don't make sense to your kid. Throw in some Johnny Cash to temper the Judeo-Christian social values, and the new-age empathy system. Ok fine, I don't know anything about raising children.
But rest assured, mine will be freaking sweet.
---
So where do I look for advice on such matters? Why theoretical physicists of course. I spent the last few hours reading on David Deutsch's co-brainchild Taking Children Seriously. While the whole thing sounds a bit 'sissy libertarian' on the surface, I must admit, I'm rather intrigued by many of the concepts. It reminds me a bit of the Love and Logic approach currently favored by friend and soon-to-be elementary educator, Kim Wood.
I'm a big fan of introducing personal responsibility and self-accountability at an early age. The earlier you start learning your own lessons and creating your own moral compass, the better. Likewise, I prefer authentic and transparent leadership and all that other warm and fuzzy stuff.
(Please nobody notice that I'm drawing similarities between leading a successful company, and developing a relationship with my future child...)
On the other hand, when the time comes to not ask questions and to not screw around, there has to be an understanding. Joe Pesci does not fuck around. Sometimes life isn't fair, sometimes things are out of your control, and in real life, some times the main character dies... of cholera. I support warm and fuzzy, but only to the extent that it does not interfere with an accurate understanding of human reality; of entropy, resiliency and being tough. It's a fine line, and I think it requires a bit of Buddhist wisdom, a bit of doing mysterious things that just plain don't make sense to your kid. Throw in some Johnny Cash to temper the Judeo-Christian social values, and the new-age empathy system. Ok fine, I don't know anything about raising children.
But rest assured, mine will be freaking sweet.
---
4 Comments:
At 4:33 PM , Anonymous said...
I have absolute confedence that your children will be sweet.
There are only three things that people need to know in order to raise great kids.
1. Love them unconditionally.
2. Always be consistent, always follow through, and always let them know where their boundries are before they run into them.
3. Let them be "children" for as long as they can be.
Have you seen the movie Cars? Loved it. It is one of the few movies I have seen in years that is truely a kid movie. Nothing too scary (I had nightmares about the "Alice in Wonderland" Jabberwock for YEARS), no bathroom humor or inappropriate language, and most importantly, the movie taught a lesson in a subtle way. I HATE movies where there is practically a sign above the movie screen saying, "Hi. We're going to teach a lesson now. Take notes." Children are smart. They don't need the moral lesson to be obvious. In fact, lessons mean more if they can figure it out themselves.
I guess that was a little off topic, but what do you expect? The best people to work with kids still think like kids. Life is more fun when people get a little off track.
I guess the point is this: The most well-adjusted children have parents who protect them and allow them to be free-spirited, creative, and expressive. But these kids also know that when they do something wrong, their parents will catch it and punish them. Children usually test limits to make sure people are watching and that the people watching care. This is how children learn (eventually) to self-monitor their boundries. They learn to recognize consequences, and they learn how to avoid making poor choices. They also learn that punishments don't just come out of thin air - punishments serve a purpose as a consequences of a poor choice, and punishments relfect that in life as adults, bad things happen when we do stupid things.
My parents weren't perfect. NO WAY were they perfect. But I am very thankful for the little things they did. I lost privelages when I was disrespectful or irresponsible. I knew that if I ever drank or smoked underage, they would kill me. And when I was in a situation that I couldn't handle, my parents didn't bail me out right away. They supported me, they guided me, and they stood by to make sure that I could fix it myself. I don't think my younger sibbling is going to be able to say those things when he is my age. That makes me sad for him. Hopefully, he'll turn out okay anyway.
If you enjoyed Love and Logic, you may enjoy Think Time Strategy. It operates on some of the same principles. Coddling does not work. But being supportive, loving, and consistant makes all the difference.
At 9:28 PM , C. Colby Thomson said...
Such a thoughtful comment from a stranger... I'm honored.
At 10:57 AM , Susan said...
"The most well-adjusted children have parents who protect them and allow them to be free-spirited, creative, and expressive."
So far, so good :) except I would say 'help them' rather than 'allow them'. Let go of those reigns!
" But these kids also know that when they do something wrong, their parents will catch it and punish them."
Here's the catch -- punishing is not needed. This is where we want to find better ways for parents and children to relate to one another, and it is up to the parents to do the learning and growing, as the responsible parties in the parent-child relationship (responsible for helping their children, by virtue of creating them in the first place).
"Children usually test limits to make sure people are watching and that the people watching care. This is how children learn (eventually) to self-monitor their boundries."
I challenge the assumption that chidlren are testing limits with the above-attributed intention. We all are learning about limits and boundaries and how they change and where do we stand in relation to them.
Young children, who have less knoweldge and experience, depend upon their parents (who are hopefully foremost of trusted advisors to their children!) to help them learn about limits and boundaries.
When this is done with punishment, there is a real risk of interrupting that learning. They can learn that 'mom will smack me if I do that', but that doesn't help in learning about the actual limits of the physical world (let's drop a melon of the second story balcony and see what happens to it; you don't want that to happen to you, do you? and here is how to avoid that)
"They also learn that punishments don't just come out of thin air - "
Nah, usually they come out of mistaken memes. Let's challenge that!
"punishments serve a purpose as a consequences of a poor choice, and punishments relfect that in life as adults, bad things happen when we do stupid things."
Imo, the consequences of a poor choice are quite enough for learning. As parents, we are responsible for helping our children to avoid unwanted and harmful consequences, if that is what children want.
See, punishment is superfluous and often arbitrary and unrelated to the stupid action. Why confuse the issue? It's not a law of physcis in the universe that when a child breaks a window with a homerun baseball hit, that s/he loses all computer usage for a month.
"he'll turn out okay anyway"
Heh, children are not muffins :) They are fully human already and fully occupied in creating a life that will not 'turn out' until death.
"Coddling does not work. But being supportive, loving, and consistant makes all the difference."
One person's coddling is another person's loving support, I notice.
And the consistency thing -- I'm puzzled about this oft-heard prescription irt parenting. Parents are learning and growing just as much as children are, in the parent-child relationship. It stands to reason that a parent is going to continue to find places where they learn and grow further and discover that a previously-held truth is exposed as faulty, and at that point they will want to change what they are doing.
If the consistency consists of staying open minded and questioning and tentative and aware of their own fallibility and willing to admit mistakes and learn from them, I'm all for it. But usually when I hear this, it is about making immutable rules, which does not allow for learning and growing and can actually get in the way.
Congrats on finding TCS! :) In the couple of years that have elapsed since this blog entry, I'm wondering if you've thought any more about it-
best wishes
At 7:11 AM , Anonymous said...
You are quite possibly the most profound individual I've had the pleasure of meeting in person. I think I may birth one of your children in the future.
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